Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Chocolate: the OTHER mayor food group

'Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

If you choke a smurf what color does it turn?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold into half and put it back in your pocket

There are 3 kinds of people those who can count & those who can't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Two wrongs do not make a right but three lefts do.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

The only certain thing in life is change and I've got a full jar of pennies to prove it.

Love is never having to say "pass the remote".

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I love defenceless animals, especially in gravy.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.

Give some people an inch, and they think they are rulers.

Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

Nurse: how is the girl who swallowed the quarter?
Doctor: No change yet!

What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receeding hair line!

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.